Grief is a Gift
It's going on 7 months since the accident and ever since the new year I have had a new bout of energy that led to this blog. It is kind of odd if you think about it. Nothing is really that different now that it's 2016 instead of 2015, but the psychological aspect of it being a new year and the possibility of new beginnings gives us hope. New year, new me. Right? The craziest part for me is that I am truly different.
For the first 6 months, it was a rare day if I did not cry. Some days it was only for a few minutes, other days it was nonstop. There were days I wished I had died in the accident. Since 2016 started, I have shed significantly less tears. I am finding motivation I wish I had back in college! How is that possible? Is it really the idea of it being a new year that is encouraging me to be better? Or is it that I'm finally becoming okay with my grief?
Grief is a wild emotional response. As human beings we may not share the same experiences, but we do share the same emotions. Grief is one that brings us together, but it also creates uncomfortable situations for people who do not know how to react. It is hard trying to comfort someone who is grieving, especially if you have never experienced it yourself. Even if you have experienced it, it can still be difficult! Each person grieves differently, but how amazing is that? We take a universal emotional experience and make it our own without even trying. It is a painfully beautiful part of being human, that we are able to love someone or something so deeply that their absence leaves us in a pit of sorrow.
The guy who cleans our gutters every year stopped by this morning and asked if my dad was around. I told him he passed away this past summer, and immediately I could see the sadness in his eyes. It is truly amazing how our hearts go out to people we barely know. Tragedies are horrible, yes, but at least they inspire closeness. After he left I broke down for a few minutes. I do not think it will ever matter how much time has passed...actually speaking the words that my dad is dead will never be easy. But you know what? I am okay with that. I am becoming okay with my pain because it is a physical reminder of how special, beautiful, and deep my love is for him. I may not be able to talk or laugh or hug him anymore, but he is here with me. I would not feel this amount of pain if his love was not still with me.
I think I am becoming okay because yes, 2016 started with a promise of new beginnings. But the strength I am mustering is coming from within. I never thought I would feel this way again, especially only after 6 months. I have a pure excitement for life! I needed to grieve and veg out with the television for months because it helped me heal. But our time here is precious. LIFE IS A GIFT! Brilliant, incredible, overwhelming and heartbreaking at times, but a beautiful gift nonetheless. I am choosing to let my pain make me better. I am accepting it without judgment and feeling it when it comes.
If you are in a hopeless place, I promise you life gets better. No matter how dark your world is right now, it will not stay that way. I know what that feels like...to be so numb that even the things that should bring you joy cannot. But I am telling you, do not give up on life. If you give it a chance, life will show you happiness and beauty you never knew existed.