Love You Forever, Dad
Nov 25, 2016
In my article last week, 8 Ways to Cultivate Happiness, I discussed how journaling is one of the ways I handle my grief. Since I am working on embracing my vulnerability, I have decided to share one of the letters I recently wrote to my dad. I was reading Mercy by Jodi Picoult at 1:30 am, and became really overwhelmed with heartache.
I think I am holding onto fear. This is not something I have wanted to accept, but when I find myself in the most vulnerable of states, I notice that fear is normally lurking in the background. On one hand, I pray the odds are slim of something that traumatic happening to me again, but on the other, I recognize that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I know I can focus on this in either a positive or negative light, but in the midst of my fear, I let dark shadows overwhelm my mind. Since the accident, I have wanted so badly to be fearless like you always were, but I am noticing as the time since the accident grows, my fear does as well. I think losing you and Jenna this early into my life makes me uneasy about the unknowns of the future. I find it difficult to swallow that I am only 22 and have to spend the rest of my life without you.
I realize now that recently I have been avoiding thinking about you and Jenna too much. Although no hour goes by without at least the passing of you in my thoughts, I have been keeping busy with activities that feed my heart as an attempt to continue moving forward, but also to keep my pain at bay. I apologize to you and myself for hiding from my grief. I am working to stay mindful; I know I need to embrace my inner demons and love myself non-judgmentally through the hurt. Honestly, I did not realize the extent to which I have been doing this until the book Mercy had me crying at 1:30 in the morning. It made me realize how afraid I am of losing more people I love, which I know is inevitable.
I feel better whenever I let my emotions out, but it can be overwhelming letting myself feel how much I miss you. It is nice talking to you, even if I do not get a direct response. I know you're around me, and I know you'd never leave me, but I wish I could feel your presence. There is no place in the world I felt safer than in one of your bear hugs, where you'd kiss me on the head and tell me how much you love me, in a soft tone that made me feel how much you meant it. You were the best dad in the world, despite your fears of being a bad one due to growing up without one. I do not normally use the word blessed, but I was completely and utterly blessed to have you as my father.
Most days when I look in the mirror I try to find you in myself. I think I have your nose, possibly your chin. I have noticed the flaws I once saw do not stand out like they did before you died. I cannot imagine looking into the mirror and criticizing my reflection, when I was created by the two beautiful souls I care to be like more than anyone.
I love you and miss you in every way possible.
Love you forever,
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to provide medical advice, diagnosis or treat. This information is based on research and knowledge by the author, and the ideas are not intended as substitute for medical advice. As with any products it is suggested that you check with your medical practitioner prior to use. The author disclaims any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of any products mentioned herein.