Love You Forever, Dad
I think I am holding onto fear. This is not something I have wanted to accept, but when I find myself in the most vulnerable of states, I notice that fear is normally lurking in the background. On one hand, I pray the odds are slim of something that traumatic happening to me again, but on the other, I recognize that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. I know I can focus on this in either a positive or negative light, but in the midst of my fear, I let dark shadows overwhelm my mind. Since the accident, I have wanted so badly to be fearless like you always were, but I am noticing as the time since the accident grows, my fear does as well. I think losing you and Jenna this early into my life makes me uneasy about the unknowns of the future. I find it difficult to swallow that I am only 22 and have to spend the rest of my life without you.
I realize now that recently I have been avoiding thinking about you and Jenna too much. Although no hour goes by without at least the passing of you in my thoughts, I have been keeping busy with activities that feed my heart as an attempt to continue moving forward, but also to keep my pain at bay. I apologize to you and myself for hiding from my grief. I am working to stay mindful; I know I need to embrace my inner demons and love myself non-judgmentally through the hurt. Honestly, I did not realize the extent to which I have been doing this until the book Mercy had me crying at 1:30 in the morning. It made me realize how afraid I am of losing more people I love, which I know is inevitable.
I feel better whenever I let my emotions out, but it can be overwhelming letting myself feel how much I miss you. It is nice talking to you, even if I do not get a direct response. I know you're around me, and I know you'd never leave me, but I wish I could feel your presence. There is no place in the world I felt safer than in one of your bear hugs, where you'd kiss me on the head and tell me how much you love me, in a soft tone that made me feel how much you meant it. You were the best dad in the world, despite your fears of being a bad one due to growing up without one. I do not normally use the word blessed, but I was completely and utterly blessed to have you as my father.
Most days when I look in the mirror I try to find you in myself. I think I have your nose, possibly your chin. I have noticed the flaws I once saw do not stand out like they did before you died. I cannot imagine looking into the mirror and criticizing my reflection, when I was created by the two beautiful souls I care to be like more than anyone.
I love you and miss you in every way possible.
Love you forever,