Girl kayaking into sun

How Uncertainty Increases Self-Awareness

I am in a certain disbelief that it is the 1st of July. I consistently find myself wondering where the time has gone. Most of my days are filled with constant activity, so it makes sense that the time seems to fly, but the speed at which the months seem to move never fails to surprise me. I am not sure when I started thinking time moves fast, but this past year has made it so very apparent. Certain moments I find myself feeling like it has been eons since the accident. But other times I find myself back in the moment where I surfaced the water and felt like my life had ended, even though I was still breathing.

The past few weeks have been especially difficult. My sweet kitty of 14 years passed away while I was out of town. He was a big bundle of love that soothed my soul in ways I will never be able to express. Although I knew he was a major source of comfort for me, I did not truly know to what extent he helped my anxiety until after he was gone. Shortly after his passing was the first Father's Day without my dad, and two days after that we celebrated what would have been his 61st birthday. The excitement I normally feel around this time of the year has been replaced with an anxious anticipation of knowing the 4th is coming, yet not having any clue as to how I will react.

If I have learned anything this year that is it: what I thought I would do in a given situation did not mean anything until I found myself actually facing it. It is easy to pass judgment on others when we are outside of the situation. One thing tragedy has taught me is that I never really knew certain sides of myself. How could I when I had never been faced with something this terrible? I have surprised myself many times this past year. Thinking something would never bother me when it does and vice versa. This is the first 4th since the accident, so I honestly do not know if I will be overwhelmed with grief for most of the day, or if I will be able to celebrate it the way my dad, Jenna, and Jeff would want me to. I am imagining a little of both.

This past year has been filled with so many ups and downs, so many moments of pure joy and sorrow. Sometimes I feel that as I take one step forward I end up taking two steps back. I have learned and questioned myself so many times, but at the end of the day my self-love is greater than it has ever been, and I owe it to practicing mindfulness. I always come back to my breath; slowing it, filling my lungs with fresh air, noticing how my body lightens when my mind does. Appreciating the fact I am healthy and happy and surrounded by people whose "I love yous" mean something. Most days I am living the life my dad and Jen would want me to; I am consistently joyful, and really, what more could I want? So as I go into this 4th of July weekend, I will try my best to focus on the love around me, and what this holiday has always meant to my family. I know I will ache for my dad, Jen, and Jeff, but I will come back to my breath and focus on the love. Because in the end, all we really have is that love.






Comments

Kaylie Schmidt

Thank you so much sweet lady! I truly, truly appreciate it❤ So happy we got to meet even if we only had like 5 weeks together! Couldn’t have survived chemistry without you :)

Kaylie Schmidt

You’ve been on my mind all weekend, I can’t imagine what you have gone through this year. I enjoy reading your posts, they are very inspiring. I know we knew each other for a short time but I pray for you and think about you often! I know you will accomplish great things :)

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