Girl standing in front of a wall with angel wings saying "love over fear"

The Fear of a Good Life

It has been about two months since I decided to start this journey to mindfulness. I am surprised by the amazing changes I already see in myself. I recently started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and in it he says, "to know that you are not present is a great success: that knowing is presence..." (p. 60) I have found that simply becoming aware of how rarely I am in the Now has opened my consciousness up to becoming more mindful throughout the day.

I have found it is easier for me to stay mindful if I stay busy. Seems kind of counterintuitive because quiet meditation is frequently associated with mindfulness, but for me staying active with projects puts me more in the Now because I focus all of my attention on whatever I am doing. Tolle discusses how anxiety and stress come from focusing on the future, and grief and guilt come from focusing on the past. I believe my active pursuit to stay mindful is allowing me to be free of my pain. That, surprisingly, is scaring me.

My dad and Jenna are almost always interwoven with my thoughts, but I am recognizing that the amount of time I spend dwelling over them is brief. I will acknowledge that I miss them and that they are essentially the reason behind my activities, such as the blog and clearing the house out because they are not here, but I do not linger over these thoughts like I did even a month ago. That honestly scares me. By becoming more present I feel as if they are becoming less a part of my life.

It has only been 8 months since the accident, so I feel a type of guilt for being as okay as I am. Staying connected to my heartache makes me feel like I am connected to them and honoring what we had. I know they would be over the moon at the progress I have made, but I still feel like I should be in more pain than I am. They were two of the most important and influential people in my life. At one point I really did not know how I would be okay without them, yet now I wake up excited for what the day might bring.

I know deep down I should be thrilled with how far I have come, but I have this fear of possibly forgetting how sacred and rare our relationships were. It has only been 8 months and most days I am completely okay without them! What will it be like in ten years? Thirty years? I want to be tied to my pain because I have this false belief that it ties me to them. I need to accept that they will always be with me, and that my love for them is not linked to the amount of pain I feel. I honor them by living each day with immense joy and love and presence, and harboring pain does not allow me to do that. I understand this, I just need to truly accept it.

I know with every bone in my body that practicing mindfulness and gratitude are why I am okay. It is impossible to feel the hurt of missing them when my full attention is focused on the present moment. On days I am not as present, I feel myself slipping back into old patterns of incessant pain. I do not want (and I know they do not want) my irrational fear of forgetting them to hinder the progress I am making! So I will continue to wake up every morning determined to fill my day with activities that keep me moving forward and feed my soul, and thank God for having the opportunity to live every moment in surrender of what is. That, for me, is overcoming my fear and choosing love.







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Comments

Kaylie Schmidt

How many ways can I say “Sooo proud of you!!” You inspire me to be a better person every day. And you are helping me to heal, grow, and move forward in such powerful ways. What an inspiration you are. Thank you <3

Kaylie Schmidt

Thank you so much, Tara!! I’m glad you are able to relate and see your own strength:) love you sweet girl!!

Kaylie Schmidt

I love reading your blogs. This one especially I can relate to. One of my best friends passed away less than a year ago , and I constantly feel like the pain that I don’t feel every minute of the day makes him think that I don’t care. But in reality, there is nothing wrong with seeing the positives in life and moving on from the pain. That just makes you (and me) stronger. Thank you for sharing your feelings , hope to see you soon Kay !

Kaylie Schmidt

As you are telling your story, I see my self getting more and more inspired. Fearing a good life has been a constant struggle of mine. Thank you again Kaylie, for sharing your journey. I’m sure I’m not the only person you are helping with your blog. You have an amazing spirit. I always look forward to your posts.

Kaylie Schmidt

I love you so much! Thanks momma:)

Kaylie Schmidt

You have no idea what that means to me, Melanie!! My wish throughout this has been to inspire people to see their own strength and potential. I am so, so happy I am able to do that for you <3 thank you for sharing this with me:)

Kaylie Schmidt

Kaylie I feel connected to you…. I had the same sense of lost and emptiness when my dad past… You are in the right path by keeping yourself busy. In time you will feel that he is present with you in every heart beat, in every decision you make, in every new protect and achievements Life brings into your/his life! He will appear to be so present that the sadnes will no longer will be felt… I am with you with my love as we are all One!
Blessings
Sandra

Kaylie Schmidt

Thank you:) I truly appreciate that!! My heart is with yours <3

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